Food + Cocktail

The Stories of a Vegetarian

VEGETARIAN

I made the choice to become a vegetarian over 14 years ago. But let’s face it, no one thought I was going to “last this long.” I mean, picture a teenager who loved chicken fingers and fried everything (maybe a little too much) coming up to you on some random Tuesday, telling you they were becoming a vegetarian. Would you believe them?

Yeah, my parents didn’t either.

Vegetarians

When people think of vegetarians, they tend to think of tree hugging animal rights lovers who tell everyone they are vegan. Hey, it’s 2019, that stigma has got-to-go. Did you know there are actually 7 types of vegetarian lifestyles?

  • Vegan: Vegans do not consume any animal products or by-products. This includes red or white meat, fish or fowl, eggs and dairy, honey or beeswax, gelatin and any other animal by-product ingredients or products. Vegans typically do not use animal products such as silk, leather and wool.
  • Lacto VegetarianLacto-vegetarians do not eat red or white meat, fish, fowl or eggs. However, lacto-vegetarians do consume dairy products such as cheese, milk and yogurt.
  • Ovo VegetarianOvo-vegetarians do not eat red or white meat, fish, fowl or dairy products. However, ovo-vegetarians do consume egg products.
  • Lacto-ovo VegetarianLacto-ovo vegetarians do not consume red meat, white meat, fish or fowl. However, lacto-ovo vegetarians do consume dairy products and egg products. This is the most common type of vegetarian.
  • Pollotarian: Pollotarians restrict meat consumption to poultry and fowl only. Pollotarians do not consume red meat or fish and seafood
  • PescatarianPescatarians restrict meat consumption to fish and seafood only. Pescatarians do not consume red meat, white meat or fowl.
  • Flexitarian: A plant-based diet with the occasional meat item on the menu. These folks do their best to limit meat intake as much as possible and have an almost entirely plant-based diet. This is not technically considered a “vegetarian” lifestyle, but I commend the effort nonetheless.

Bite

Stories

Now that we got that out of the way, on to the good stuff. Over the course of the past 14 years, I have round up quite a few stories that I, now, can’t help but laugh at. So instead of laughing to myself, I thought I would share with the digital world. So sit back, relax and take a laugh.

WHAT’S QUIN-OH-AH?

When I first turned vegetarian, I constantly searched for new recipes to try because I had no clue what-so-ever of what to cook. I had read an article that was all about this crazy “new” superfood that was supposedly a powerhouse source of protein for vegetarians. So, naturally I thought, awesome I gotta go get it.

My mom drove me to our local Whole Foods and when I walked in, I was in totally new territory. I didn’t know where anything was and instead of walking around the entire store, I walked up confidently to the sales guy and asked “excuse me, where can I find quin-oh-ah?”

At first, the guy looked hella confused and asked me what it was. Thinking I knew something he didn’t, I proudly showed him my sticky note with my list of ingredients and pointed to QUINOA and told him it was a superfood for vegetarians.

The guy literally couldn’t even hold in his laugh. “You mean Keen-Wha?” I stood there embarrassed and and felt my face turn the shade of a tomato. He walked me over to where the quinoa section was and started telling me all about the different types of benefits. All I could think of was “dude, shut-up and show me so I can leave.”

You best believe I wanted to run from that guy and hide in the corner. #newbiealert

SPECIAL STUFFING

Thanksgiving – the most meat filled day of the year. If the festivities are not at my parents house, I always bring my own food. I mean, the big feast is enough to worry about, I don’t want my family to cook anything extra just for me. But, there is always that one family member who tries to show that they care…

Carolyn, I made you something you can eat! Special stuffing that was nowhere near the bird!”
“Awe, thanks, I appreciate it!”
“I don’t want you to feel left out. It’s just chicken stock, celery and bread.”

Ya’ll, my family sucks at remembering that I’m a vegetarian… or even what a vegetarian is. Did you catch it? If you didn’t, let me repeat it…

“I don’t want you to feel left out. It’s just chicken stock, celery and bread.”
“Oh, uhm I can’t eat chicken stock…”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“It has chicken in it”
“Well it needed some flavor, what other broth was I supposed to use”
“Vegetable broth?”

Lord help me. I always feel bad about crushing their happiness that they made something special, but the word CHICKEN is literally written on the label. It’s like going up to someone who doesn’t eat vegetables and shoving a plate of kale in their face… they’d have the same reaction! #facepalm

ATTACK OF THE TURKEY

Speaking of Thanksgiving, have you ever gotten attacked by a dead turkey? Yeah, it can happen.

When Thanksgiving is hosted at my parents house, I generally help my mom prepare the feast. However, I usually stay the heck away from the turkey, guts and gravy and leave that for my dad to chip in. But, one Thanksgiving he wasn’t around at the time my mom needed help with the bird, so naturally I had to step up and take one for the team.

I came down the stairs reluctantly and asked what she needed help with. “I just need you to hold the bird when I dump the gravy out of the pot”. You need me to WHAT?! Lord have mercy. She threw that sucker into my hands and told me to hold it. And you know what? The bottom legs of the turkey went loose and swung forward and attacked me. So, there I am screaming holding the damn thing and my mom is crying because she’s laughing so hard. She took her grand old time emptying the gravy from that pot.

I held that thing so far away from me and wouldn’t even dare to look at it in case it wanted a round 2. I swear, it was like it was taunting me for touching it as if I had its fate in my hands…

YMCA

FOOD FIGHT

My brother was always the one who constantly asked me about not eating meat and taunted me with dangling chicken in front of my face. At one point, he even said that if he got me drunk I would eat it… I don’t think so buddy!

One night when my parents weren’t home, my brother and I were eating dinner at our kitchen table. He had a plate of chicken, mashed potatoes and applesauce; and I had a giant bowl of salad with a diced up veggie burger.

“Would you eat this if I gave you $50?”
“No”
“How about $100?”
“Nope”
“$500?”
“No”
“What would you do if I flung this at you?”
“Mom would kill you”

Next thing you know, pieces of grilled chicken “accidentally” fly off his fork, across the table and whacks me straight smack in the middle of my forehead. At first he was shocked the chicken went across the room, but then he started cracking up as the chicken laid on top of my now ruined dinner.

So, I retaliated. I mean, I couldn’t let him just win like that. So I flung a tomato right back at him and he responded with a spoonful of mashed potatoes – thankfully that did NOT hit me and hit the curtains behind me instead.

As we clean up the evidence before our parents get home, “How about a miiiiiillion dollars?”.

Can you relate to any of these stories? If not, I hope this at least provided you with some good laughs and insights into the veg world.

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